Forgiveness….

Forgiveness is supposed to be a virtue.  If so, then why can’t people practice it with those they care about?  Why do they choose to hurt the people they really like, or love, by being unforgiving of their mistakes?  It’s not as if they haven’t made them, as well.

I made a mistake.  It was unintentional, but still a mistake.  I was honest with the man I care deeply about and he took it as me throwing things in his face.   That was never my intention.  My only intention was to find out why he was suddenly avoiding me after 4 years of being together.   I never had a clue that he wanted out.  None.   Why would he kept telling me to keep texting him but kept backing off from me?   Why he tell me he loved me and then denied ever saying it?  I don’t understand.

All I wanted were answers.  Instead, I got anger, misunderstanding and total rejection.

No amount of apologizing or explanation has unhardened his heart.  He said he “is done”.  And I guess he is.  And I still don’t know why.  No explanation, no reason, nothing.  Just silence.

I suppose it’s human nature to need answers.  At least for me it is.  I’d really like to know what I did that was so horribly wrong that he felt the need to cut me out of his life completely without any real explanation.

I did get a text from him one night.  I asked about a basketball game and he sent an answer.  Three texts later he didn’t answer so I sent a joking text asking if he’d forgotten that he said he wasn’t talking to me any more.  I worded it as a joke and even made a funny face in it……..and I got shot down again.   I really don’t understand and I would like to.

I have apologized repeatedly, asked for forgiveness, and basically begged this man to tell me what the problem is.  All I get is silence.  So, I gave up.  I have no clue what to do to fix it.

I think there’s a Chinese proverb that says something like…..if you love something and let it go and it comes back to you, it was meant to be.  If it doesn’t, it wasn’t meant to be.

And I, now, believe there is no fixing it.  No way to make it better.  No hope of getting him back.  And it’s breaking my heart.  I’ve lost my best friend and my lover and, with him, a part of myself that I will never get back.

Such is life.  Nobody ever said it was going to be easy, but does it really have to be this hard all the time?

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About avlanchlovngirl

I believe that we are here for a reason. We just don't know what it is. I believe there are no borders or color differentiations. We're all the same under the skin and we all want the same basic things. I hate injustice and tend to take a stand against what I feel is unfair and just plain wrong. So, read on and comment if you'd like. Happy New Year!
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